This year Easter is about 3 weeks later than it was last year so it feels strange, since last year it was the very last day of March – the 31st – the day our little granddaughter would have turned 8 mos. old – except that the day before we had turned off her life support. She had been born July 31st and found the next day to have a severe heart defect that couldn’t even be taken care by the usual surgeries they normally do; there was only was option, to have an “experimental” procedure done to attempt to repair it by forcing it to work, a procedure that is very hard on them and has only about a 33% chance of success, although there’d been improvement on all those it had been tried on, but we may have waited too long to risk it; she may have been too sick by the time we went for it but we can’t live there now. We did have it done and tried but that seemed to be the case or maybe that had nothing to do with it since we have a friend with a daughter in the hospital right now who seems to be going through the same thing that has nothing to do with her heart; has to do with her – tmi – digestive system, which ultimately is what her autopsy told us, even to the surprise of the cardiology department, maybe because they didn’t think outside their box and check into that. She just kept getting sicker and sicker – not sure what’s going to happen with my friend but she at least does already have that specialist on board; I tried but just couldn’t get it done but even though she does he’s not at the hospital where she is, the same one where we were and where she’s not been happy with that department, which is why her specialist isn’t there; eager and anxious to see what happens tomorrow; hope they don’t let her go too long, although she’s somewhat been expecting this for a while, just not this way; she wound up being emergently admitted, even as she was on her way home from an out of state doctor appointment with another specialist for another one of her children and maybe would have to have been for the immediate emergency but then what, what somewhat wound up being our situation; anyway they let her get to the point they said there was nothing else “they” could do only they actually said there was nothing else that could be done, especially since by then they said she was too unstable to be move anywhere else, like where we’d gone for the “experimental” procedure but of course it seemed we were past it being her heart issue that they’d dealt with at that point but nobody was even checking to see about anything, somewhat seems to be the point friend is at as well; I wanted more done but, long story, mom was worn out by that point and just couldn’t go any further, not with the hospital saying all that and she’d been through so much by that point as well; she seemed herself to just give you “that look” of please, just let me go and maybe in many ways it was best.
This has come after reading of a similar post by someone else who was supposed to have been able to adopt around Easter but then it was snatched away but in retrospect they realize what an upheaval – not just the normal of any adoption, of course, but this particular one – it would have been, in some not so good ways – and though, yes, in many ways we do know what bringing her home would have meant, in our particular situation and circumstance – mom doesn’t drive, for one – it would have been a very difficult situation and she has a big sister that would have had to been involved in all of that – not that that possibly would have been an entirely bad thing but just very difficult, not like the usual, where I could keep her while mom took care of things; the only other way would be for me to have the authority to take care of things with little sister while big one just stayed home with mom and I’m not sure she would have wanted that and not sure how the powers that be would have gone along with that; at the time couldn’t even get that on the table; that’s a whole other issue.
However, for good or bad, right or wrong, up or down, the decision was made and the day before Easter last year we made that move. It did turn out differently than usual, though, in that we were able to do it down in the chapel at the hospital rather than just in her room in the cicu and had several people from the family there, her great-grandmother and great-aunt, cousin – well, dad’s cousin and husband, who had actually stayed with her the previous few nights – mom and dad just couldn’t bring themselves to do it (does that say anything? anyway) as well as, of all the ironies, the friend I’ve just been talking about, as well as another one but this one, who’s been so strong through all she’d been through with hers, broke down over this. Why in particular – because of the very thing she’s possibly facing right now – she’s had to come to terms with the fact she might face this very thing with this particular child, her daughter, herself, and she’d not wanted to think about it and now, on this Easter, here/there she is.
When I started this I hadn’t even thought about her; this was just going to be a remembrance of this day last year for us until it all began to come together – oh wow