8 yrs. ago and now

again on hub’s birthday – of all the times for Mom to have had her eye doc appt. down here, right in the middle of having lost our “born sleeping” granddaughter, having brought her from the hospital to the funeral home; had thought mom and dad staying at hospital till Monday but can understand not wanting to be away that long, so got in on Saturday, big snow next day, church cancelled – was anybody going anyway? went get outfit for funeral, then headed out to bring mom down for appt. while they made arrangements and hear guy who was doing the slab for garage when left showed up to check it out. Really upset when got to doc with him saying couldn’t do anything after all after had gone to all the trouble to get her chart from old doc and he hadn’t even looked at it so when finally did, then did tests that what new type surgery saw could do – good, after all went through.

Hub took off early – while last year he actually got to take off whole day – went by florist to get flowers –

guy coming in to stay here while going to job fair showed up – can hardly believe we left him with youngest son, who didn’t want to go – but otoh worked out well –

while his girlfriend played photographer’s assistant – that we were able to find, willing to do pix with mom, since weren’t able to work it out at hospital  – at funeral home, willing to do – so glad –

headed out taking mom back be there for tomorrow –

went to photographer’s house when got there – across street from mom and dad’s preacher – told him but didn’t really play a part – this was more mom and dad’s thing, with more mom’s family’s involvement – got the pix to have ready for tomorrow

once again, income tax refund time but got caught with National Guard uniform stuff – hate it but at least taken care of

what a birthday that year….

then yesterday 8 yrs. later – another baby crisis situation – no, haven’t lost this one yet, but thousand wonders, has happened like this before – glad not every black man with a white woman is like some –

but made the trip again – and, yes, somewhat again, in this situation, but at least then wasn’t hub’s birthday, like this one worked out to be – to get sister and the almost 2 yr. old to bring them down here, hopefully out of harm’s way, if we can just keep them that way and if we can keep from jumping from frying pan to fire with the one on the way that she’d already – because of what’s been happening? – gone into early labor with and put on weekly shots to keep from happening – can we get that continued down here now? have to see…

but poor hub – of course she didn’t realize; she actually said she would have put it off but then what might have happened – better safe than sorry? – especially after some things told today – hm…anyway…

but so glad for what coworkers did – got him a cake and made a big deal for him, so helped him have a good birthday after all

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Holocaust Day of Remembrance


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Another Voyage of Discovery

And, no, I haven’t read Lolita (which tells you what year I was born in) although I have read Reading Lolita in Tehran, if that tells you anything



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The Manger is Empty – (of course) – Another Voyage of Discovery – of a different sort

A different sort of Christmas story – have had this book sitting around for way too long – so long, as a matter of fact, not sure I realized it was even a book, at least in the sense of one you open and – duh – read – not sure if I’d read about it so much I thought I knew it – or was it just something about the title that just made me think I knew what it was about –

well, whatever it was – it’s time to share – or at least put down – my thoughts –

because, well, isn’t it true, that the manger is empty?

in spite of the fact that every year we set out a nativity scene with one in it –

wouldn’t it be strange if our own babies never grew up and left their cribs?

(well, except for some people who it seems don’t really want that, the babylovers only among us, who seem to only want babies, but for the rest of us and isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be)

maybe it’s because it seemed to be emphasized this particular season – maybe it’s because my granddaughter started school this year – that when the announcement was made to the shepherds – it was that a “Saviour” was born – granted, he’d be found as a babe, but it wasn’t said that a “baby” was born, but a “Saviour”; our children, our babies, if you will, aren’t to be babies forever; they’re born for a purpose; naturally, not, in that sense, a Savior, but on the other hand, if the savior is supposed to live in us and them, well…

but what had to happen to Jesus to truly be our Saviour – right, we all know

okay, the story turns out to the this child’s first encounter with that – and at Christmas – first the event of the morning, then the Christmas pageant that evening, in which she plays the – well, almost – starring role – so she’d doing the typical part, sitting in this wonderful adoration at this – what, “no crying he makes”? not sure I believe that, but anyway – wonderful babe – when – oh, to borrow from another passage – what to our wondering eyes do we see – she marches over to the manger and lovingly picks up this precious child, holding him to her bosom – oh, wait, no she doesn’t – she snatches that “thing”, holy or not, up and marches down the steps, offstage and practically throws him out of the way, then just primly and calmly comes back and takes her place – applauds to all the rest of the cast who just continue on with their roles as if nothing out of the ordinary has just taken place – now continuing to admire? adore? the now “empty” manger

at about the age that many children learn reality – a particular reality regarding Christmas that I’m sure we’ll all know what we’re talking about – she learned that the manger is empty – why? because coffins/caskets are empty – oh, they both hold shells, if you will, but not the reality of the thing – we don’t have to worry about snow and getting cold, not them, anyway, maybe us – what is the reality – why did Jesus come? so we could go, right?

“the power of a wise love wisely expressed: to transfigure the heart, suddenly, forever”

Merry Christmas

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okay, got an email that somebody like a post on here but since moving all these old posts over can’t make heads or tails of anything, can’t find it but decided it’s time to try to clean this all up by making a new one, so in running down through my old ones and running across my contracts one re trying to file one related and not being able to and also getting a msg today about it let’s see what I can do…

anyway, the paperwork trying to file was in relation to a friend who’s trying to sell her condo, long story, not getting into all of it here though it may seem like it but believe,not even half  but she had somebody who was interested but had a house he needed to sell but was also going to try to get a loan/mortgage for her condo even without it; well, he did get it but then his dad passed away, which her hub doing the same thing is how all this got started, but anyway,  not sure if before or after, because if after, not sure why he apparently didn’t take it, but apparently dad didn’t do something right, just like her hub – lessons here, anybody? – because supposedly anyway he’s now having to help his mom, just like, in a way, her sons helped her, though her husband had a business that they worked in but either neither or only one actually had a license and then he actually quit the business, I think, but yet continued for a while to allow(?) her/it to go ahead and operate under his license until she could get her other son licensed, which entailed her having to pay for him to be tutored for the license exam, so seemingly instead of getting help she was having to give it, so anyway, not sure if this is why or already had a financial counselor, not sure if she does or not, maybe she needed one – because does seem like her licensed son did pull his license from her before she was able to get the one for the other one; he did have a hard time, so seems like she had to hire one for a while – so maybe she did have one to help her with all of that business stuff till she got her other son licensed and even then she ended up eventually selling the business, maybe at the advice of one; anyway this guy’s got one, but to go back, she didn’t get cash for the business when she sold it, something about the guy who bought didn’t have it but had been wanting it very badly for a while so think she sold it to him under contract and also she and licensed – maybe, by then, though not really sure – son went to work for him for a while, maybe contract for certain length of time, maybe for length of contract of sale of business; anyway worked for him for so long then quit and got a job somewhere else but not making nearly so much, at least sort of; the other job was more a commission sales type thing but involved a lot of traveling more all over and she’d had an eye incident which was making that hard and the new job was in retail but seems like maybe the guy had come up with some money by then for her company or maybe that’s when she was finally able to sell her house she also had, her what had been her brand new log – they called it cabin, but it was way more than a cabin,  which was the problem; was her hub’s dream that turned into a nightmare home he’d always wanted but couldn’t really afford, at least not with all the other toys, like a boat, that he also wanted; the plan had been for them to sell their other house, so here we are full circle, only that was right when all the debacle and crash was, so they weren’t able to do so, so here they were, or maybe the sale of the log house was what enabled her to be able to quit the job; she was able to pay off the log house with money left over, with which is what she used to buy the condo; know she’d been renting out her old house that she couldn’t sell, which maybe is why good thing she was able to sell the log house; think part of why renting, they weren’t able to buy but then they could so moved out and left her with it, except think both sons, at different times, ended up living in it, the unlicensed married one made the payments but also think may have been why moved out and back into, I think, his grandmother, who had also died’s house – so many deaths involved in all this, so then other, licensed, but unmarried, son moved in, who didn’t make payments, so good thing she was able to get enough out of log house to enable her to buy condo outright for cash so she could make the payments on other house but then decided, if hadn’t already –  son switch might not have happened until she was moved in condo –  if she was going to have to be making payments on it she might as well be living in it, which is what she’d always wanted to do anyway; supposedly it was never her idea to build and move into the log house; she’d loved her old house, but it was torn up now – by licensed, unmarried son living in it, who still wasn’t working – oh, yea, she didn’t have the company any more – for her; he’d tried having his own business and wasn’t working out too well, maybe economy wasn’t quite ready yet – because not too sure how long married, by now, pretty sure, anyway, licensed son stayed working for the company after she quit but do know he did eventually start his own business as well and seems to be doing quite well with it – maybe because married with a wife who – oh, yea – she’d already taken over the dispatching of the old business  that friend used to do before it was ever sold – so basically does all for son/her husband that friend used to do for hers when it was them doing it – so probably helps, something other son didn’t/doesn’t have yet – anyway, don’t have that all quite straight but he moved out and her daughter-in-law’s father came and totally fixed up the house so she could move back in, leaving her condo empty and now for sale but guess economy really isn’t quite back up to snuff because having hard time selling it but can rent it so believe that’s what did for while because still has payments on her now new/old house and money’s now tied up in the condo with this job that doesn’t really pay enough for her to make them but then now’s she’s gotten what seemingly is at least a better paying job, still not sure would call it good, even though is as a mail carrier but didn’t even know until recently they’re not all cushy civil service jobs; such a thing as contract ones that depend on other factors – kinda reminds of the way I understand the old Roman tax collectors were – you bid on the route and somehow maybe you get paid based on the number of people on it and you can subcontract it out, which is what I understand she is now, that she doesn’t really “have” the route; she’s just a driver on it being paid by the route “owner” so not really sure exactly what the reasoning for all this, except that from what I understand, though didn’t know at the time, no reason for me, too, is that the retail job – it was at a place owned by people we know who are somewhat known for their generosity – was just somewhat “given” to her to help her out, so when she had a chance at something else she needed to take it because they really I think were reaching a point – maybe economy again – that they needed to be relieved of the expense – oh, I’ve realized the situation – in the middle of all this – she also had that boat – remember the other toy her husband had – she’d been still having to make payments on, at least for a while, although she was able to eventually let it go back to the bank, although actually she may have still had to make payments on it until – remember the economy? – they were able to sell it; she’d tried herself, maybe she had to let the bank have it, since she wasn’t able to sell it – but even then they weren’t able to sell it for what was owed – remember him and his toys? – so think she still had to make payments while they tried to negotiate a settlement, which they finally were able to do, so when she finally was able to not have to be making payments on the boat then maybe she finally was not having to be dependent on having a renter in her condo, so she could have them move and have it able to be ready to show and sell, although still has taken a while, but….so now how many deaths already? 3? her husband, her parents, his dad – with her not really getting help from her sons – he’s “having” to financially help his mom – say that because what would she do if she were in friend’s position and didn’t have son in a position to help her? so anyway his financial counselor advised him not to take on anymore debt – which, she hasn’t done, she’s just been trying to get out from under the debt her – and, some would say she played her part but that gets deep; he was the one who bought the big stuff but I know what they say about the little foxes too – husband got her/him/them into – not sure they’d had their house paid off but do believe they refi-ed it for the log house so pretty sure if hadn’t done that would be paid off by now – anyway, his financial counselor advised him not to until his house sold – so…how many of that now – let’s see – her log house she needed and/or wanted to sell first – oh, yea, that’s what she did with the sale of her business on contract – made the payments on the log house – at least the business was pretty well free and clear since they started it from scratch not bought it – had the old house for sale, I believe, at one point but decided she really didn’t want to sell it – bought the condo with the sale proceeds of the log house since old house wasn’t in shape by then to either sell or be lived in – so then after got it fixed – needed/wanted to sell the condo since moved back into old house – so here we are – 0nly now with interested buyer of condo needs to sell his house but, and I wonder if financial counselor knows about this – and also where somewhat wonder if she had one anywhere in all of the stuff that she’s done – he really wants this condo – I wonder why so bad – didn’t want her to sell it out from under him – though didn’t look like much chance of that anyway – so going to let their son live in it – is he needing a place to live? just wonder what’s going on with that – supposedly he is married, so maybe be like when her married son lived in her house, won’t be too bad and if “buyer” – and they do have a sales contract written up – is actually going to buy it when house sells guess won’t matter anyway, but…just wonder how good these “sales” contracts actually are, based on meeting had with lawyer recently regarding mine, said need to be recorded at courthouse and maybe if hers actually is, since maybe hers would be considered an actual mortgage maybe so, if actually says anything about his house to be sold that proceeds have to first –  unless, of course, he has a mortgage on his, which would seem like he must by having wanted to sell it first but maybe not, since his loan for hers did go through – go to buy her house before he can do anything else; otherwise what would prohibit him from not following through, though, yes, she could sue for breach of contract but not the same as actually getting it and since her condo doesn’t have a mortgage? the main financial burden she talks about in relation to it is a fairly – but not like a mortgage but still maybe with her financial situation – hefty maintenance fee, so…

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We had our first family Thanksgiving since the year my father-in-law passed away, 4 years ago <pause for respect – youngest son – turns 15 tomorrow – wow! – last night at party when his friends saw the picture of them together commented on how much he still misses him>mom re-married the next year which really hurt a lot of the family and pretty much stopped the holiday gatherings of the family; but this year we thought we’d try something different like going to the local BBQ joint rather than somebody’s house which at least got all the kids together again, if not all the grandkids, not the least of which was middle son, who commented he hadn’t been to a family gathering in 4 years – so was able to be in on the first one since but that’s not really why he hadn’t been – the last one we had he got in on because he was out on break (actually he did miss Thanksgiving so it was Christmas) from having just finished basic training and started his AIT – then had to go back to where he started from, which wasn’t here because he’d left home then by the next year he’d wound up getting married, then having his wife already leave him and his car broke down causing him to lose his job and thereby not be able to make the payments on it that my dad had co-signed on for so putting him under stress so that year we went up, spent some time with him and took his car and brought it back down here to try to sell it leaving him in a mess – that was so hard! but by the next year he’d found somebody new, gotten re-married, was expecting a baby, brought her down here but by then mom was having a really hard time so we wound up there again for Thanksgiving and her mom was dying and wanted her there with her while she was expecting plus she comes from her own big family and Christmas was a really big deal so the prospect of not being there for that was really hard especially with him having found out when he got her down here how much things had changed with the family not having their big gatherings anymore so they went back up there; they came back the next year but by holiday time it was the same thing again especially since they’d also lost their baby by this time, then she lost her mom so it was just really hard for them but this year they came back when they found out they were expecting again so now we have a new, healthy baby and the family got together and they got to be there – he was so excited – yes, to show off his baby but of course that helped break the ice, too, cause of course everybody wanted to see her and that helped bring his wife into the family which of course made her feel more a part of everybody especially with them now wanting to spend more time with her, for which I’m grateful! Thanks!

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It’s just not fair that I don’t have to go outside in the snow and cold to wash a load of clothes; I don’t have to take the rest of the firewood we bought for the son’s birthday party campfire and use it to start a fire to heat the water to wash the clothes; that’s just not fair to him that he still gets to keep that wood for another bonfire to have his friends over. It’s just not fair that I don’t have to haul those clothes outside and then have to hang them on the line (though I do love it but when it’s warm and yes, even hot, but sure is nice not to have to use it now). It’s just not fair that I don’t have to go get them off when they get dry – and cold – and stiff – and bring them in – to warm and thaw only to then have to wet them again and/or roll them up and put them in the freezer (good thing, since I don’t have one; oh, that’s not fair, either, that I don’t have to stock up that much food – again, might be nice, but nice that I don’t have to) to do – oh, what was it mom did that for? – then get them out and have to iron them and put hubby’s pants on the pants stretcher – now, I do still iron but it’s not fair that I don’t have to – it’s just not fair!

And it’s just not fair that I have to wait for the website to load when we’re looking for the size chart to see what size pants same said son would wear in that brand! No! I should have to take him out dragging him all over the country to try them on! It’s just not fair!

And it’s really not fair that I should have to wait for that website to load on my phone that I can have with me while I’m out running all over the country! No! I should have to do that at home on my computer!

No, wait, that’s not fair, either! A computer?! at my house?! no, those would be the size of my house! ordinary people like me have them? it’s not fair?! and on a phone?! phone? who has a phone?! that’s not fair, either?! only rich people have phones and computers?! why? cause they take electricity and only rich people have electricity! it’s just not fair!

Not fair – to who? – my great-great grandmother, my great-grandmother, my grandmother, and even my mom when she was growing up – am I any better than they were? who am I to have all of this? it’s not fair to complain; I don’t have any problems, especially when my son found my new cell phone I’ve just got to have (even though I have waited patiently till upgrade, even waiting long after dh took mine) FREE!!!! since I have waited so patiently so long till it’s already been updated, even though it just came out this year; it’s perfect (I hope) for me; who am I to need the latest – don’t I already have more than those who’ve gone before?

And if I had none of those things, I have my health – in respect to a dear person I know who doesn’t.

I have so much.

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Comment by Carrie Scharf on December 13, 2010 at 21:27
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thank you for that

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